


first day of my life

by demonproofboi (commanderana)



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Feelings Realization, Feelings ensue, Friends to Lovers, Introspection, M/M, it's kinda cheesy but i'd like to believe it's in a good way, ryan gets scared, shane comforts him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-02-27 09:37:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13245498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commanderana/pseuds/demonproofboi
Summary: in which Ryan freaks out, Shane helps him and everything changes





	1. I realized that I need you and I wondered if I could come home

**Author's Note:**

> went straight from not writing fanfiction whatsoever to riding the RPF train straight to hell, huh.  
> btw this takes place in an AU where everything is the same except the boys are not dating anyone because I love their girls and they don't deserve to suffer.
> 
> this was based on "first day of my life" by bright eyes, so that's where all the confusing rambling comes from. I don't know if it works but I tried my best.
> 
> also this wasn't beta'd, so I'm sorry if any of it sounds weird! 
> 
> hope you enjoy it!

It happened during an investigation.

Ryan had been specially on edge that day, for whatever reason. He couldn't put his finger on it and it drove him crazy. His breaths never completely filed up his lungs no matter how hard he tried, he kept looking all around because it always seemed like there was something just at the corner of his eye, there was a heavy dread hanging on his shoulders ever since they entered the car to get here and he was feeling like shit. It wasn't the first time he felt this anxious and he knew it wouldn't be the last, but lately he hadn't been able to deal with his fears as well as he hoped to and it all felt a bit too unnerving. His mind was a mess of stress and worry, and the possibility of ghost encounters certainly did not help.

During the exploration he was able to pretend to be just his normal level of scared, talking to Shane about the location and laughing at his stupid remarks like he always did. But when time came to stay locked inside a dark room for five minutes, the dread that he had managed to keep at bay came crashing down on him all at once, and his breaths felt way too short again. Shane offered to go first with a jokingly snarky remark, but Ryan could see he was looking at him like he was trying to figure out if something was wrong. He felt pathetic, so he tried to get his shit together.

“Don’t scare the ghosts away, ok?” he said, trying to hide his worries by starting some banter.

“Well, if I scare them, they’re fucking whimps” Shane answered, putting exaggerated emphasis on the last word and making Ryan laugh. “Aren’t they supposed to scare me out of my socks? Come on, ghosts! Give me your best!”

“Shut up and go in, dude” Ryan said after a wheeze, closed the door behind Shane and started the timer.

When he was left silently watching the time counting down, he tried to steady his breaths and calm himself. He had done this before and it was okay. He would be fine. There was no need to hyperventilate. He would only be in there for a few minutes and then he would get out, and if anything happened, the crew would help him. It was fine, really. He got this.

But as the final seconds rolled down, he felt just as anxious as before, maybe even more so, and he knew there was nothing he could do about it now. He would have to face this while feeling like shit, it seemed.

The timer went off and he took a deep breath. “Five minutes!” he shouted so Shane could hear, his voice shaking a little.

"Ready for your little time out?" Shane said as he exited the room, having successfully spent five minutes making fun of ghosts in the dark and leaving annoyingly unscathed, as always. Ryan had to take another deep breath to answer him and his voice still trembled as he whispered "Shut up, Shane", wheezing a little laugh for the camera that didn't quite reach his alarmed eyes.

At this, the tall man did a double take, half of the amusement leaving his face. "Are you alright, man?" he asked in a low voice, just a tad bit serious. Ryan nodded, still not wanting to seem so weak over something they had done so many times by now. Sure, he was the scaredy cat of the two, but being this alarmed before even going in? So much that it was compromising his performance for the episode? So much that it made Shane feel _worried_? It was ridiculous.

"Just start the timer. I want to get the fuck out of here as soon as possible."

The minutes felt like hours, as they always did when he did this, and his breaths grew shorter and shorter with each passing second. He was trying so hard to concentrate on his breathing he even forgot to try to be amusing for the camera in his hands. Thoughts raced through his mind faster than he could process them ( _Maybe the ghosts are making me feel like this? Maybe they're giving out bad energy. Do not be afraid. I'm not afraid. What if I can't open the door? What if Shane leaves me in here? Oh my god I'm going to die in here. Oh my god. But Shane would never do that, right? But what if he forgets me? Ugh, don't be stupid. Why the fuck am I feeling so bad? Jesus fucking Christ. Do not be afraid, do not be afraid..._ ) and all he could do was whisper a few swear words in between pleads, trying his damn hardest not to just get up and leave the room before his time was up.

"Hey Ryan? Weren't you going to use your little spooky radio?" Shane said amusedly. Still, there was a hint of worry in his voice, and it made Ryan feel tiny and ridiculous again. He really wished he could be as calm as Shane was, to not be so afraid and be able to just enjoy this and be entertaining, and right now that wish was painfully strong. It just wasn't fair.

He gasped a little for air, trying to get out of his own head and answer Shane.

"Y-yeah, oh, I f-forgot".

He cursed a lot while fumbling with the spirit box, his trembling fingers making it way too difficult for him to turn it on. When he finally got it, the ominous sound of skipping stations filled the darkness and he could almost hear Shane sigh in annoyance. He really didn't feel like talking to ghosts, but if he was going to be scared either way, he might as well try. At least maybe he would get something good out of the disaster that this five minute footage was inevitably going to be.

After a lot of consideration and gathering of courage (honestly, how fucking long could five minutes be?), he tried speaking to anything that could be there with him.

"Is... Is there anyone in here?"

While trying to make out any words among the mess of hiccuping white noise, he tried again to take a deep breath but failed. Just as he registered the frustrating sensation of not being able to properly fill his lungs, the spirit box exploded into the most hellish noises he had ever heard in his life. The sudden sound caught him so much by surprise that he dropped the thing, and when it came into contact with the ground and shattered into a few pieces, the noises grew louder.

“Ryan?”

He was completely on edge, his heart rate felt impossibly high, it felt like being jumpscared over and over again and it did not stop. In his desperation he stumbled into something - a mannequin? a ghost? - and at this point he felt so unnerved by the whole situation that he honestly thought he was going to die. It was as if the tension he had felt during the entire night exploded along with the spirit box, and now he couldn't control himself or his emotions anymore. He couldn’t breathe and he couldn’t answer Shane and he couldn’t think straight. The noises seemed to grow louder and louder in his head and he tried covering his ears because it was just too much.

“Ryan? Are you okay?”

The doorknob rattled a few times and Ryan realized Shane was having a hard time opening the door. He was going to be stuck in here with whatever thing was making the spirit box spew out this demonic noise for god knows how long now. This only added to his panic and the whole world seemed to start spinning. He heard himself screaming, but he couldn’t control it.

Suddenly, he heard a loud noise coming from the door and Shane's hurried footsteps coming towards him. Ryan felt his hands on his shoulders, heard him talk to him softly, but couldn’t figure out the words, couldn't open his eyes, he couldn't even fucking move. His chest hurt and his head was still spinning, his hands were trembling and he didn’t feel like himself. He had no idea how long he stayed like this.

“…okay? Breathe in slowly. It’s okay, you’re okay, man.”

As Shane’s words finally seemed to reach him, Ryan slowly started opening his eyes. The first thing he saw was Shane’s face, completely filled with worry, very close to his own. He was hunched over so he could look into Ryan’s eyes, his voice a comforting whisper, his hands gentle but firm on his shoulders, grounding him to this moment, bringing his mind back from the nightmare. They were standing in the doorway and the lights were on, the spirit box had finally stopped making noise and the world had finally stopped spinning. From complete darkness and panic to comfort and light, it felt like Ryan had just been born again. The wave of relief made his legs tremble under his own weight and Shane promptly held him so he wouldn’t fall.

Looking at Shane, being held by him and finally holding him with his own trembling hands felt surreal. Feeling him there was the best thing he had ever felt. He couldn’t even notice anything else, he couldn’t even remember exactly what was happening, he just concentrated on feeling Shane’s warmth and the texture of his shirt through his trembling hands, listening to his whispers and trying to understand the words, and at the moment that was all that mattered to him, that was his entire world.

He was just so glad to have Shane, he couldn’t hold back his tears.

 

* * *

 

The whole situation seemed a bit embarrassing in retrospect, but Shane didn’t make fun of him, not even once. After his panic-induced haze had gone away, all Ryan wanted to do was go back to being himself and feeling normal.

Except he couldn't, really. He was trying really hard, but it was like everything changed the moment that door busted open and he felt Shane’s touch and saw Shane’s face. He kept thinking about when he opened his eyes and Shane was right there looking at him, remembering the feeling that went through him, how he felt so completely safe when he saw his face, touched his chest, heard his voice. It was like he had never properly looked at him before that point, like Shane was someone completely knew, like he had been blind before and now he could finally see him. Which was ridiculous, really. How long had they been friends? It was probably just his panic making things seem more important than they were.

When they got in the car together after everything had been packed and Ryan was still lost in his thoughts, Shane looked at him, obviously trying to hide his worry behind an amused expression. “You okay, little man?” He waved his hand in front of Ryan’s face. ”Working on some wacky theories already?”

He probably felt weird because Ryan was being weird. He had barely spoken to Shane the night before, after they let go of each other and everyone decided it would be best to record whatever was left to record another time, and even though he tried to act normal this morning, those strong and confusing feelings made it incredibly difficult. How was he supposed keep bantering like nothing ever happened with someone who suddenly felt so… essential?

“Thank you” was all he managed to say, because he truly meant it and he hadn’t said it yet.

Shane seemed to understand that he couldn't talk much and, bless him, didn't press any further.

“It’s ok. Any time.”

Ryan could only hope he also understood how much that meant to him.

 

* * *

 

Weeks went by and he was almost perfecting his "nothing is happening and everything is as it should be" act. Shane hadn't brought anything up and didn't seem to be worried about him anymore, and Ryan had finally started feeling less on edge. His conversations flowed like normal, his chest didn't feel as tight and he could almost pretend that looking at Shane's face didn't make his heart flutter a little bit. That is, until time came to edit that fateful episode and he was asked if he wanted to cut what had happened out entirely.

Ryan had freaked out plenty of times in front of the camera and had personally included those times in the episodes, back when he had to edit it all by himself. He didn’t mind showing people his reactions, even when they could be seen as embarrassing, because he felt like it truly showed how much he believed in what he was doing and made the show feel more genuine. It also made for great content, he knew. The balance between his fear and Shane's complete disregard for the supernatural was a big part of what made their dynamic work so well. And fuck, even Shane comforting him would make for some amazing content for those people who so desperately scrutinized every single look they shared and every single time they touched each other. If that were all that there was to it, he would probably include it all.

The thing is, it definitely wasn't that simple. He had watched the footage as soon as he had had the chance, to see if he could maybe make sense of the multitude of feelings inside of him that were far too big for him to even begin to understand, and it honestly just made things worse. Seeing Shane’s worried expression when he started the timer, how he stayed close to the door and tried hard to hear what was going on inside with a serious look on his face, how terrified he looked when he heard Ryan scream and the door wouldn’t budge, how he broke the door and held Ryan, how he kept talking softly to him until he was sure he was feeling better, it all just felt so… Intimate. Ryan was almost protective of it. Thinking of other people seeing it made his stomach churn in what he took too long to understand was jealousy, and when he did, his confusion grew tenfold.

So he said yes, they should cut it, and hoped Shane couldn’t somehow read his mind and find out exactly why.

 

* * *

 

Turns out he could.

Well, not exactly. Despite fan theories, Shane had no supernatural powers. But he had cared enough about this to ask Ryan about it, and that was as scary as the prospect of Shane being a demon, as far as Ryan was concerned.

It was during lunch. Ryan was probably too distracted by his own thoughts on the matter again after he was forced to reflect on it instead of just repressing it like he had been doing until now, and judging by Shane’s puzzled expression, it was as if he had been wondering if he should say anything about it and Ryan’s worry pushed him to do it.

God damn his inability to hide his deer in the headlights expression.

“This may be a silly question, but it somehow feels like the obvious answer isn’t the right one since you can be such a complicated cookie.” Shane started, and Ryan rolled his eyes at this. “Why did you tell them to cut that part from the episode?”

“What is the obvious answer supposed to be?” Ryan asked, trying to stall.

Shane shrugged and looked away, taking a bite of his sandwich and looking like he was trying to be nonchalant. “That you are ashamed of what happened. You know you don’t have to be, right?”

“I’m not ashamed.”

“See? Complicated cookie. I was right.” Shane grinned a bit. Ryan internally groaned. “Besides, I figured you would still include it even if you felt bad about it, because the spirit box sounded so ' _spooky_ '.” He drew air quotes while saying ‘spooky’, mockingly trembling his voice, and Ryan rolled his eyes.

“You have to admit that sounded fucking terrifying.”

“If you find white noise with a little bit of spooky sauce on top to be ‘fucking terrifying’” and there he was with the air quotes again, the fucker, “then yeah, I guess.”

Ryan wheezed in disbelief. “ _Spooky sauce on top!?_ ”

Shane shrugged again. “Yeah. A bit louder and quicker, way more obnoxious. One could say a bit spookier, I guess, but not 'fucking terrifying’.”

“Ok, firstly, do your air quotes one more time and I'm ripping your fingers off” this made Shane double in his chair while laughing, and as endearing as Ryan thought that was, he kept his annoyed expression and continued. “Secondly, did you even hear the same thing I did? You think that was normal?”

The other man wiped tears off of his face, trying to control his laughter. “Yeah, Ryan. Just your plain old spooky radio, coming at you in full volume for a vengeance, probably because you haven't changed the batteries in a while.”

“The thing fell from my hands and it didn’t stop! Right after I asked if there was anyone there!”

“There’s no universal rule that says any electronic that falls is supposed to stop working. If that was the case, your phone would be long gone, buddy.”

“But it broke into a bunch of fucking pieces!”

“What, does it only capture ghostly voices when the battery lid is attached to it?”

“It wasn’t just the battery lid that broke off.” Ryan tried to sound annoyed, but he had been laughing along with Shane for a while now. Shane theatrically rolled his eyes. 

“Oh yeah, how could I forget that piece of plastic that broke off of its corner.” This made them both start wheezing harder, smiles so wide their faces hurt. “Of course it would stop working without that! Sorry, my bad. Gee, I should really analyze the facts and evidence better, huh.”

“I fucking hate you” Ryan managed to say while still giggling, making Shane break into laughter again.

They stayed like that for a while, laughing until their stomachs hurt, until their chuckles died down slowly and they were left in a content silence. Ryan almost felt like there was nothing to worry about, no weight on his shoulders of a sudden realization that seemed too heavy for him to carry and too massive for him to share, just them and their silly conversations, nothing else. But then Shane looked at Ryan’s eyes in this certain way that gave him goosebumps, and Ryan knew he wasn’t going to give up on this conversation so easily.

“So what is it then?”

His voice was soft and understanding, like he knew Ryan didn’t think he should tell him but was trying to prove him wrong. It kind of hurt to look at him and hear his voice sound like that. It was like a painful longing in his chest, like it wanted to be opened wide so Shane could see all of it, but not even Ryan had been able to understand it lately, how could he hope Shane would? How could he be sure he wouldn’t misunderstand him completely and be freaked out by his feelings? How could he be sure his feelings weren’t reason enough for him to freak out, anyway?

Ryan was silent for a while. Shane patiently waited.

 _Fuck it_ , he thought. _Maybe if I say it out loud I’ll finally understand it._

“I was fucking _terrified_ out of my mind." he finally said, looking into Shane's eyes and feeling incredibly vulnerable. "I know I always get scared, but this time- this time it felt surreal. And I wish I could include it in the episode because I really think there _was_ something there, and that's why I was so freaked out and why the spirit box malfunctioned like that.” He said all of this very quickly and had to take a deep breath to continue, followed by a long, defeated sigh. “But I can’t.”

“Why not?” Shane’s eyes bore holes into him, curious and worried and full of fondness all at the same time. It was too intense, so Ryan had to look away.

“Because it feels wrong to do it. Because that moment is too… I don't know.” he trailed off, hoping Shane would just let him leave things vague.

Shane wasn’t having it. “Too what?”

Ryan sighed again.

“Too personal.” he blurted out. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Shane rearranging himself on his chair like he wanted to pay closer attention, like this answer surprised him. Despite how awkward he felt, he just had to keep going now. “I felt so weird. I looked at your face and it was like… I know it doesn't make sense, but it was like that was the first day of my life. Like I had just been born right in that doorway. And I don’t know what it was, maybe I was so freaked out I lost my mind, at that moment I didn’t even know _where_ I was, but I looked at you... It was like I had never looked at you before. Like you were the first person I had ever seen, like there was nothing before that, like I was blind but then I suddenly wasn't. And I was so relieved, I was so…” he trailed off again, but his heart had been opened and it was still overflowing, with no intention of stopping. “I was just so fucking happy that you existed, so happy that you were there and would be there next time, so happy there _would_ be a next time. I felt completely new, in a weird way. I felt like I was finally coming home.”

And just as he finished saying it, he realized what he had been feeling, and what he had just done. He replayed the scene he just described in his head, reflected on all of the things he had felt since then, what had been going through his mind and the words he had finally been able to put together to explain it all. He looked at Shane’s eyes, at Shane’s confused expression, at his messy hair and long limbs, and he just knew.

He was in love with Shane.

And he had just confessed it to him in the most confusing way possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's still half of the song left, so one more chapter to go


	2. these things take forever and I especially am slow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the title of the previous chapter was supposed to be the title of this chapter. my bad, I fixed that
> 
> anyway, here's Shane suffering, hope you guys like that!

It felt so… huge. Too huge.

So Shane, as always, rationalised it and dodged it swiftly.

“I think I get it,” was what he said after some thought. “It doesn't really fit our on camera personas. It's best to cut it.”

And Ryan's face went from looking like he had been caught doing something he wasn't supposed to do to what could only be described as a mixture of relief and disappointment.

“Yes.” Ryan answered after some hesitation. “Us being that close doesn’t really fit Unsolved.”

That answer stung Shane’s gut in all the wrong places.

There was a weird silence after that. Ryan cleared his throat and pretended to look at Shane’s face, even though he could see he was looking way past it. “Anyway, I'm fine, big guy. No need to worry about me” and he got up, even though he had barely touched his food, and gave Shane some excuse he didn't quite catch.

And that was it. It was like nothing had happened.

Except it wasn’t, because now Shane felt this weight on his chest, like suddenly he was carrying an extra organ or something. And he knew he had screwed up, deep inside he knew it, but he couldn’t fully understand what had happened. He had dodged it out of reflex.

That day did feel different for him too. It felt… weird. He had kind of blocked the whole thing out of his mind after it happened, though, so he didn’t have any answers like Ryan did. The thing is, Ryan was always scared, that was true. And Shane found it funny and just so, so _Ryan_. He had been a little afraid of Ryan either realizing that ghosts and demons don’t actually exist or getting too used to going to haunted places, because seeing him freak out over nothing and discussing the supernatural with him until both of them were cry-laughing had honestly been one of the highlights of the last year to him. But Ryan being scared was one thing, and Ryan having a full-on panic attack was something completely different. So he had behaved completely different as well, and had left it at that, hadn’t stopped to think about it.

He understood Ryan when he said he felt everything changed, but on his part, at least as he saw it, it wasn’t as complex. Maybe it was because he was the most rational of the two, or maybe he had blocked everything way too hard, and now it kinda felt like it was probably the latter. Shane was just too good at not mulling over things, especially when they were as unpleasant as that situation had been. It seemed Ryan really reflected on his feelings that night while Shane had just… locked them in a drawer somewhere in his brain.

“It’s ok” he remembered whispering to Ryan that day. “It’s fine, you’ll be fine. I’m here.”

But if he had been able to just switch everything off in his brain right afterwards, it was like he wasn’t really there, wasn’t it? Ryan had been reflecting all this time and this footage meant something so big to him that Shane couldn’t even try to let himself understand it, but he had just locked it all away and kept it locked when Ryan opened himself up.

Maybe he was emotionally obtuse. Maybe there were too many walls built around him. Even though he worried so much and asked so much since then, maybe he wasn’t ready for when Ryan reached back. Why had he asked about anything, anyway? What made him ask Ryan about it? Considering his walls that were built so high he couldn’t even reach out of them when Ryan opened himself up, it just didn’t seem to make sense.

He looked at Ryan’s empty chair and remembered Ryan’s disappointed face when he pretended not to understand what his words meant.

And now he knew why he avoided mulling over things, so he stopped.

 

* * *

 

Time passed, as it always does, and it was like no deep conversation or reflection had ever happened. The supernatural season started being posted, they recorded Post Mortems, read comments, laughed together. Nothing changed, Shane was fine, and no one noticed anything.

Of course that was all a bunch of  bullshit, though. Wishful thinking at best.

Some people did notice something. And they noticed it before Shane did, which was unnerving, because it was something _he_ was doing. He regretted looking through their tag on Tumblr even more than usual.

_isn’t Shane so much softer now? he keeps giving Ryan these looks like he’s yearning for him or smth. tbh I’m here for it_

Oh, @shanesademonlookitup. Curse you and your observation skills.

He rewatched the most recent Post Mortem and god damn it, there it was. His stupid face looking at Ryan like he was the last popcorn on the planet. Like he “yearned” for him, yes. Like he needed him or something. Absolutely preposterous.

And he kind of knew why. It had taken him loads of time to get rid of those layers of denial and he knew he still wasn’t done with it, but he had made at least some progress. He regretted turning Ryan away and not finishing a conversation that should have been finished and now he was just… Mourning what could have been, he guessed. Even though he wasn’t sure what exactly would have happened if he surrendered to any of that instead of shielding himself. It was just that since then, talking to Ryan felt weird, because Ryan always had this look on his face like he expected something, like he had lost something, and Shane just wanted to fix it. He desperately wanted to fix it.

“What’s up?” Ryan said, startling him out of his deep self-reflection section. Those seemed to be happening more and more lately and he prayed to whatever make-believe thing Ryan was scared of the most that it wasn’t noticeable.

“Just… checking some comments. Ya know, seeing what the shaniacs are up to.”

“Yeah, right, You’re just reading the comments that flatter you the most.”

“Hey, I did that _once_. And only to prove a point.”

Ryan chuckled. “It didn’t prove shit. You just chose the comments that said nice things about you and the ones that talked about how ‘tiny’ I look to make an unfunny ‘you vs me’ meme.” he sat down, shaking his head in disapproval while sipping his coffee. “I deleted that email, by the way.”

“You deleted my masterpiece!?” Shane theatrically gasped. “And I can’t see why you’re so butthurt about it, to be honest. You did the same thing, Bergara.”

Ryan started wheezing. “I did not!”  

“You definitely did though.” he turned to his monitor so they both could see it and opened the email Ryan had sent as a response to the one he just talked about, showing him an image almost identical to the one he had sent, except the comments in the “you” section talked about Shane being a demon and the ones in the “me” section referred to Ryan as numerous variations of “good boy” and “angel”. He smirked and said, “The difference between you and me, baby, is that I’ve always got solid evidence.”

Ryan almost spilled his coffee while laughing, and Shane smiled wide. For the first time in a while, things felt like they used to. He felt light, like everything was as it had ever been, like there were no past mistakes to worry about, and he wished that were true.

Then he realized he was doing the _yearning_ look right then and there, and he just knew it was probably written all over his face, just like it was in the paused video on his screen: _I want Ryan Bergara to be closer to me. I regret that my emotional obtuseness pushed him away._

He must have looked mad at himself for a second too long because Ryan looked at him with this weird expression. For a second, he looked like he was going to ask him something, but then he didn’t. He just gave him a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, turned to his computer and put his headphones on, and Shane could feel it, he knew Ryan had that look on his face again. And he felt so, so stupid, because something definitely was off, there were definitely mistakes to worry about, there were definitely things that Ryan was holding back. He felt powerless.

He envied Ryan a little. Sometimes he wished he could be like he was, able to throw himself into things, feel them and believe in them. Throw a bunch of words together and make some big, emotional thing out of them on a lunch table without thinking too hard about the consequences. Shane was just too grounded for his own good sometimes.

He wasn’t dumb, he knew what this probably was, even though he wasn’t done with the denial yet. He could be emotionally obtuse but not _that_ much. But there was this thing in the back of his mind that kept holding him back. It was Ryan’s expression when he got up from the lunch table that day, it was the memory of his own voice saying “I think I get it”, it was the fact that he had chosen to run away from things to keep everything the way it was but had managed to screw things up anyway, it was the times Ryan made this face he was doing right now.

He had asked Ryan about the footage during his two week long lapse in judgement, when he thought constantly asking Ryan if he was fine would even help with anything. He had asked because he wanted to help him again, because helping him that night standing in that doorway made him feel like he mattered. And when he pushed Ryan to be honest with him without even thinking about it and Ryan gave him this answer that showed he _had_ thought about it plenty, he had shied away from it like the big coward that he was. This was all on him, it was all his fault.

So what right did he have to try and do anything at this point?

 

* * *

 

They started filming True Crime a week after that. Episode three was about some unsolved murder on the ocean and for the first time in a while, they would visit the location of a true crime story.

Ryan had gone first to do some out of camera work, and Shane had stayed behind because he had too much work to do in the office. It was a friday, the day they released the last episode of the Supernatural season, and someone had to take care of the logistics behind that. It wasn’t really his choice to stay back, but Ryan had insisted until it felt uncomfortable to keep trying to convince him, and there it was again, another indicator of how much he had made things complicated.

So he did stay, and the day went by painfully slowly and way too fast at the same time, and he felt on edge the entire time because somehow he knew something was about to happen. And this seemed like a very ridiculous notion, that he could feel that things would happen, but he wasn’t the sort of man that denied things when they actually happened to him.

He thought he would feel at least a little better once he got home, but it didn't happen. He kept thinking about everything, replaying Ryan's insistence to go alone over and over in his head, thinking about how the hell he was supposed to fix this.

He started restlessly packing his clothes, even though he was only supposed to leave in the afternoon the next day, because he needed something to take his mind off of things. He _hated_ mulling over things and these past few weeks he done that practically all the damn time, and he didn’t even have anything to show for it. He thought and though about everything but still couldn’t bring himself to do something. It was like some pathetic nightmare. A terrible, horrifyingly cheesy one.

While he did a terrible job at folding one of his shirts, his phone buzzed in his pocket and he was ashamed to admit to himself that he had jumped at that. Oh god, what was wrong with him?

It was a message from Ryan.

That’s what was wrong with him, of course.

_hey Shane?_

_yeah?_

Shane stared at his phone screen, the packing completely forgotten. Ryan took a while to answer.

_I wanted to apologize_

Oh, there was the thing he knew was going to happen. It was fucking _happening_. 

He felt like throwing up, so he sat down on his bed. His fingers trembled in front of the screen while he silently panicked over how to deal with this and desperately tried to calm down.

  _for what?_

Ryan's answers were taking way too long. He could imagine him looking just as he did, staring at his screen in nervousness.

That was a bad move. It made him feel even worse.

The phone buzzed again.

 _for the_ _past few weeks I guess  
_ _I haven’t really been myself lately_

Shane just stared at the words, speechless. He almost dropped his phone when it buzzed again.

_I feel like I said a bunch of dumb things and made things weird and it kinda sucks_

He didn't even know what to say. How could he fix this? How had he managed to screw things up this bad? What the heck was Ryan even thinking?

_where is this coming from?_

He stared at the three dots blinking away like his life depended on it. From the way his heart beat like it wanted to escape, it certainly felt like it.

 _idk, I feel like maybe I put too much pressure on you_  
_like you’re supposed to keep saving me or something just because you helped me that night_ _  
_ _I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately_  
_it meant a lot to me and I'm really thankful_  
_but I didn't want to make it seem like something that it wasn't and I'm really sorry_

Oh god, Ryan.

He wanted to say a bunch of things. Like maybe “what the fuck are you apologizing for? I was the one who screwed up” or “of course I’m going to keep saving you if you need it, what do you think I am? some kind of demon?” or “stop thinking so hard about this because you’re getting it all wrong”, but none of it felt right. Everything was spinning inside his head, this was all just _too much_ and he fucking hated himself.

Ryan had noticed how weird things were too, of course. Maybe he saw Shane’s face just like those people on Tumblr did and it bothered him. He had already known that things felt bad for him too and that was already bad enough, but he never thought he would blame himself for any of it. It felt like shit to read him say that.

It was the final push. Ryan had just bulldozed the walls around Shane with no regard for how much it would hurt him and now things had to be different. There was no way of dodging this.

With the walls down and the denial finally forcibly yanked away from him, Shane stared at the words " _I didn't want to make it seem like something that it wasn't"._ He thought about Ryan’s screams, and Ryan’s hands on him, and Ryan’s tears, and Ryan small and scared on the passenger seat of the car on the way back to the hotel that night. He heard Ryan’s voice saying “I was so happy that you were there and would be there next time” and saw Ryan’s face when he pushed that away like it wasn’t important. He imagined Ryan alone in a hotel room, blaming himself for what Shane had ruined, feeling so bad he decided to _apologize,_ and he just knew.

He had to be there. _This_ was the next time.

So he packed everything he hadn’t packed yet with absolutely no regard for whether or not he had folded anything or if his suitcase had even properly closed at all, tripped on three different pieces of furniture on his way to the door, got his car keys and sent:

  _wait for me_

And really hoped Ryan would, even though he definitely didn't deserve it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it'll be weird if someone uses that url one day... I'll probably have to come here and change it
> 
> anyway, I miscalculated the pacing I was planning for this fic, so there will be a chapter 3! this time it's the last one, I promise
> 
> thank you so much for the comments!! you guys made my day


	3. with these things there's no telling, we'll just have to wait and see

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for taking so long! writer's block hit me pretty hard  
> I hope you guys enjoy it!

_wait for me_

_what?_  
_Shane? what do you mean?_  
_where are you?_  
_dude, answer me_ _  
_ _Shane?_

What the fuck, man.

Ryan let himself fall onto his bed and covered his eyes with his hands, sighing frustratedly.

Truth is, the fact that Shane hadn't understood him that day during lunch (or had pretended not to understand, he wasn’t sure) was both a blessing and a curse.

It was a good thing because that was hardly the best way to convey those feelings to someone who was always so pragmatic, and if Ryan hadn't been caught by surprise and had instead planned it all, he would probably have laid everything out more clearly, like a theory he wanted to convince Shane of. There was also the fact that maybe he wasn't supposed to tell him at all, because there was always the risk of ruining their friendship, and then what would his life be? Shane was in every part of it. It was both unfortunate and beautiful.

On the other hand, it was bad that his feelings hadn't come across because he had opened himself up so much for nothing, and now it seemed like his heart could barely close again. He was always having to make sure he didn't spill the beans, his actions were measured and calculated and it was so, so difficult. And something in Shane had definitely changed since then. Maybe he hadn't wanted to understand him, maybe Ryan had overstepped a boundary in their friendship. He had made things weird for both of them over nothing because despite how much he had said, they were acting (or trying and mostly failing to act) like he hadn’t said anything at all.

Lately, he felt like they were stuck in this new normal where things were the same but there was always something heavy looming over their heads, and they were moving slowly so it wouldn’t fall but that made everything they did seem too shallow. They were trying to be normal, but… That thing was going to fall and crush them for good at any moment. Ryan could feel it.

It was scary as fuck.

Sometimes things would seem like they used to, and it would feel so good, but also so lacking, like something was perpetually missing. And then everything would feel weird again and either of them would leave in a hurry and hide, just like he did this time, insisting to come here alone so he would have some time to think. It was a painful pendulum of comfort and nervousness.

It was funny to imagine how months ago this would have all sounded so absurd to him if someone had told him about it, but at the same time, in hindsight, it was so evident that these feelings were all already there. How had they stayed hidden from him for so long? He always thought he understood himself better than that. Maybe Shane's obliviousness had rubbed off on him, and Ryan could only be thankful for that. Imagine going through this turmoil all throughout Unsolved. Or even Test Friends. Jesus, he would have exploded back then.

Ryan sometimes believed things happened a certain way for a reason, and this was a good example. Maybe he wasn't supposed to realize his own feelings before because he wouldn't have been able to deal with it back then. Maybe Shane wasn't supposed to understand him now because it would ruin everything, because he didn't feel the same. It was painful to think about, but it seemed to make sense.

So he had sat down on his hotel bed, taken his phone out of his pocket and sent all of those messages. And it felt awful because he was so sure of his feelings, and he had come to accept them so fully, and yet here he was saying things didn’t mean anything. He didn’t even know if it would work, but maybe it would put his mind at ease, because these last few weeks had been too much to handle. He wanted to be with Shane and wanted Shane to want him, but he could be happy being just his friend. He just didn’t want them to drift apart because that would be way, way worse than pining for him for a while until he finally got over it. Shane being there was way more important than any urge Ryan may have been having to kiss him. And oh boy, did Ryan want to kiss Shane.

So he had sighed and sent the last message, and all he got in return was this cryptic thing because of course it wouldn’t be that easy, would it? What was this? Did Shane want to cut all ties with him in person or something?

Wait, did Shane not get what he meant?

Jesus Christ. Ryan tossed around the bed like a toddler throwing a tantrum at that thought.

He was so emotionally exhausted that he just ended up falling asleep right there, amongst the covers he had tousled in his frustration, curled up in this weird position. Which was a bad idea, because he woke up a few hours later with a sore back and a suspicion that it was way, way too early, and he hated waking up any earlier than he absolutely had to.

He could hear the faint sound of raindrops tapping on the windows and was almost managing to will himself back to sleep when he heard his phone buzzing right beside his ear. At first he was going to ignore it, but then he remembered the night before and Shane's last message and his eyes opened wide on their own as he grabbed his phone in desperation.

 _hey_  
_are you awake?_ _  
_ _can you meet me at the beach?_

What? There was no way Shane was already here. It was way too early. He sat up in his bed, confused, as he typed the reply.

_when?_

_right now_

Well, there it was.

He was too anxious to go back to sleep now.

 

* * *

 

Shane finally parked near the beach, after seemingly unending hours of driving. He felt kinda dumb for feeling disappointment when he couldn't immediately see Ryan as soon as he got out of the car. This wasn't a movie, obviously he'd have to wait for him, the scene wasn't going to be perfect. That seemed good though, for whatever reason.

He sent Ryan a message, then got out of the car and decided to walk a little, to position himself somewhere Ryan would be sure to find him. It was really early and, though it thankfully wasn’t raining hard anymore, there was still a light drizzle coming down. Despite all that, it felt nice. The atmosphere was a little calming, and he was getting nervous, so he appreciated that.

When Ryan finally arrived and Shane saw him in the distance, walking towards him with a confused expression, it was honestly almost too much for him to handle. The sky was getting lighter as the sun started to rise, the little walk had taken the sleepiness out of his body, Ryan was there in front of him and he felt so awake. Like he had been sleeping until just now and had finally woken up. Like everything before that didn't matter.

“What are you doing here so early?” Ryan asked as he approached. Shane didn't answer right away because he was out of breath from finally seeing him after driving in a controlled panic for hours, and because he didn't really know what to say. He could see him looking at his car in the distance and his eyes bulging in this hilarious, endearing, completely _Ryan_ way. “Did you drive all the way here? All night?”

Shane ignored all of that because frankly, it just didn't matter, did it? That he had driven over eight hours just to see him. He looked at the ocean and its vastness, and compared it to the scary size of the feelings he was about to talk about, and it wasn’t supposed to be that big of a deal, was it? Wasn’t it irrational to be feeling so nervous? How hadn’t he seen any of this coming?

When he looked at Ryan again, it was like he was seeing him for the first time.

“You know, I get it now.” he finally said. “It does kinda feel like this is the first day of my life.”

Then there was a silence that was a bit too long, but Shane wanted Ryan to push him to speak. He deserved to have his chance to do so.

“Are you… sleep deprived or something?” was what he apparently decided to go with, his voice trembling a little, and Shane realized this conversation probably wasn’t going to be as straightforward as he had imagined. Which was completely fine. Nothing ever was with them, after all.

“Nah. I just woke up.” he answered, and he did _feel_ like that, so he wasn’t lying.

“What the hell…”

They fell quiet again. Below them, early tourists spread their blankets on the beach. The light rain was almost gone by now, contrasting with the strong thunderstorm he had had to drive through in the dark. The soft sunrise colors covered them and the beach, the shy sunlight coming through the opening clouds. Everything seemed to have changed so much.

“Everything changed, you know” he said out loud. He realized he was making very little sense but hey, cheesy poetry aside, he was actually a little sleep deprived and he was dealing with some very new things here. He had very valid excuses. “And as I was driving here, I thought about a whole bunch of things. And there was this one time when I almost hit another car because I was kind of falling asleep-”

“Dude, what the fu-”

“No no, I'm in the middle of something huge here, let me have this. So that happened and I thought 'god, what if I had died just then?’ and I was really glad I didn't. For obvious reasons, of course, but also because I wouldn't have been able to come talk to you if I had.” And then he said, matter of factly, like he wasn’t in the process of confessing his feelings for his best friend or anything, “Because even if I turned into a ghost, you still wouldn't be able to talk to me. You suck at that.”

And yes, he said that because serious, touchy feely moments weren’t his thing, but also because he wanted make Ryan laugh, because he never wanted to see him nervous again, because that’s what he came here to fix. That was his job. And when Ryan finally laughed a little, Shane’s heart felt like it was going to burst.

“That was gratuitous.” Ryan said with a small smile.

“I'm nervous. I really wish I could just say things the way you do, turn this into some cheesy movie scene, but I can’t okay? Bear with me here, man.”

“I'm bearing.”

Shane scoffed. “You're bearing?”

They laughed and Ryan nodded, a bit flusterred. Shane sighed, gathering courage to continue.

“The thing is, these things take forever with me, and I know that. And I know what you meant back then and I ruined it, so I'm here to unruin it.”

“You didn’t ruin anything.” Ryan said, sounding a bit more serious. “I said a bunch of weird things.”

“No, no, no- What happened to bearing with me, man?” Ryan laughed a little, shaking his head, and Shane continued. “ Listen. You were just being honest about your feelings. And I wasn’t. So let me tell you the truth now.” He looked away from Ryan, turning to the ocean, because he was ready to talk about this but it still felt like so, so much. “You said you felt home. And you know, I was at _my_ home reading your messages yesterday and thinking that I just wanted to be with you here, and it felt so huge. I feel like I could go anywhere with you, really. We could go to the most god awful place on Earth to investigate everything I don’t believe in and it wouldn’t matter because you would be there and that’d be enough... because I love you.”

So there it was, out in the open.

He finally turned to Ryan, and they stared at each other for a moment. Shane saw his expression go from anxiousness to this thing he couldn’t describe, like it had just clicked, like he had finally realized what was going on, and Shane wanted that to be it, wanted this to be simple, but he reminded himself that there was more to talk about.

“...but I'm scared, Ryan.” he finally confessed.

“I'm scared too.” Ryan said, still looking straight into Shane’s eyes with this expression that was anything but scared. He looked braver than Shane had ever seen him, actually. It kinda made him feel a little pathetic.

“Yeah, but you're always scared. You're used to it.”

Ryan laughed hard at that. “I still don't get whether we're having a moment or you're insulting me.”

Shane rolled his eyes because damn, how could he be so calm now? He was still trying not to have a breakdown.

“I mean,” he said, a bit too exasperated, “you get scared and you face things anyway because that's what you do. What I do is make fun of that. You face things, Ryan, I make fun of them. You see what I mean?”

“What do you mean?”

“I'm going to ruin this.” And there it was, his last reserve thrown away, and he felt like screaming, laying down, running away, all at the same time. But it was necessary, so he continued. “I'm scared I'm going to ruin this.”

And then there was another silence, but it somehow felt comforting, because Ryan wasn’t mad at him and he hadn’t ruined anything by saying that, despite his fears. Ryan looked absolutely sure of things, he looked like he had a plan, and even though it made Shane feel a pang of envy, he could only be thankful for that. He couldn’t imagine how much harder this would be if they were both fumbling around their feelings at the same time.

“Shane,” Ryan came closer to him, and he had to look way up to keep talking. Finding the humour in that helped Shane calm down a bit. “There’s no telling with these things, dude. We’ll just have to wait and see.” And he smiled like he knew everything in the world would be fine and honestly, Shane wanted to smack him in more than one way.

“What if I ruin it?” he said, like an idiot. “What happens then? What about the show, what about everything else?”

“You’re not going to ruin it.”

“How can you be sure?”

Ryan sighed.

“This is not something you can be absolutely sure about. There’s just some things that no one can fully understand, Shane.”

Shane squinted his eyes at him and said, because apparently he couldn't go through this without making any jokes, it seemed, “Are you seriously turning this into a ‘ghosts may be real, you never know’ thing?”

“What- I'm- I’m not!” he looked like he had just realized what he had said sounded like, and then he wheezed a bit before continuing, “I just… The only way we can know if it’s gonna work is if we try, right? It’s like an experiment. We don’t have any proof either way, we have to get it.”

“...But there’s so much at stake here.”

Ryan just smiled at him. “That’s why it’s important. Nothing is perfect right away, no one instantly hits the jackpot, you know-”

“Some people do, actually.”

Ryan groaned “okay, but hear me out-”

“I mean, statistically-”

“-what I'm trying to say is that…”

“Do you seriously think every jackpot winner spends years in training or something-”

Shane felt Ryan's arms go around his shoulders, one of his hands placed on the back of his neck. He felt himself being pulled into Ryan, saw his face getting closer, felt chills down his spine, and barely had time to close his eyes before Ryan kissed him, right then and there. Like it was nothing. No, like it was _everything_ , like it was a language, a bridge, a way to reach him, and Shane felt all of that, he felt _reached_ , and he wanted to reach him back. He felt his own arms go around Ryan's waist like his body knew what he should do better than he did, it knew it wasn’t supposed to wait or doubt any longer, it just had to go for it, so he did too. And as he kissed Ryan back, all the feelings he was holding back gathered inside of him, bubbled up, spilled into the affection he was trying to show through his gestures, and everything else disappeared.

Then Ryan pulled back from the kiss.

“Shut up, Shane” he said very slowly, without letting go, his hands still on his shoulders. Then, after a soft silence when they just looked at each other, still bewildered by what had just happened, he continued his argument in a very soft voice. “What I mean is that the instant jackpot is _rare_. And I’d much rather be trying to get something good than just wait for the perfect thing to come to me. I’d rather believe I can make it work than give up because I might fail. That‘s what I mean.”

“So that's how you can face it? Just because you feel like giving it a shot?” Shane said, softly, because he was genuinely curious, because Ryan's willingness to face the things that scared him never ceased to surprise him.

“No. I was really scared until just now,” Ryan answered. “But then you said you love me, and that was enough... Because I love you too.”

And Shane understood. He truly did. At least he willed himself to with all of his might, and he could see how things didn’t have to be too huge of a deal: he wasn’t alone. Just like Ryan had him in the real haunted locations, Shane had Ryan in this metaphorical one, and that’s what made them work. And when he realized he was so relieved Ryan was there, so relieved he’d be there next time, so absolutely thrilled that there _would_ be a next time, he just started laughing until his face hurt.

 

* * *

 

So everything had worked out, and Ryan had said things in a straightforward way (well, as straightforward as this mess of feelings would have made it possible). He had finally, _finally_ kissed Shane and he was finally holding him in his arms, on a beach, in the sunrise, after Shane had driven for hours _just_ to see him (and his stomach just _flipped_ at that notion), and everything was working out in an absolutely beautiful way at last. 

Except Shane was just laughing. _Wheezing_. Practically choking. Ryan couldn’t say he wasn’t a bit offended by how that ruined the entire scenario.

“Are you insane, man?” he said while slowly letting go of Shane, but his long arms tightened their grip around him. After a while he finally seemed to recompose himself, letting go of Ryan with just one arm so he could wipe tears off his own face.

“You're on your tiptoes” he finally answered, still chuckling.

Ryan punched his chest as hard as he could, considering how little space to maneuver he had inside this embrace of theirs, and Shane just laughed harder. He really wanted to be mad at him, but he just loved him even more.

“I fucking hate you, dude” he lied.

“Nah. I really think you like me.”

This time Shane kissed him, and despite everything he had said, he really felt like he had just hit the jackpot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a bunch of things about this story that I wish I could have done better. english is not my first language and I know some parts of this give that away, and I'm pretty sure every time I come back here I'm going to find another thing I want to change or another typo I hadn't noticed, but I know I did my best.  
> I hope you all enjoyed it anyway, and thank you very much for all the kind comments and kudos!
> 
> oh, I have a bfu blog, btw! hit me up @demonproofboi on tumblr, let's talk about these dorks
> 
> that's it yall, peace


End file.
